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The “Happy Holidays” seem to stretch from Halloween until New Year’s Day. Here is one of my favorite songs for the madness of the season.
So I’m not doing Christmas this year.
Don’t think I’m Scrooge or the Grinch,
but the season has become too long and
commercial. Craft stores have stuff in July.
By September the rest are decorating,
offering boxed gifts and pushing Christmas carols.
By Thanksgiving we’re weary,
without meaning or spirit.
The touch and feel are familiar, and
like protracted lovemaking, we risk
disappointment with the climax on the twenty-fifth!
So I’m not putting up a tree this year.
It will save me the distress
of decideing how to decorate it.
All red? All gold? A mixture?
Silly, sentimental ones?
Beads or no beads? Colored or white lights?
Artificial trees are practical.
Real ones shed like a Persian.
And one year the cat ran up
the tree and pulled it down!
So I’m not decorating for Christmas this year.
I won’t drink coffee from cheery Santa cups
or sip egg nog from gilded goblets.
No holly wreath with lights hugging the door,
no red-nosed reindeer, no glittering cherubs,
no waiting stockings by the chimney,
no grinning nutcrackers standing tall,
no garland over every mirror.
Banish Santa towels, snowmen, elves,
bells, chimes, ho-ho-hos,
nativity scenes, poinsettias and hues of green and red!
So I’m not cooking for Christmas this year.
I’m tired of all that fuss and work for one meal
when they’d rather have pizza anyway!
Turkey, dressing, gravy, cranberries, fruit salad,
green beans, candied yams, hot rolls,
cookies, pies, candy,
fudge, more cookies, bread pudding,
mulled cider, wine with Santa’s pink cheeks on the label
and fruitcake no one eats.
My kitchen is too small for all that cooking anyway!
…I’ll just leave
P.S. It was the best Christmas ever because I DID put up a tree, decorate and cook after all! MERRY CHRISTMAS!
There are many entertainment traditions for the Christmas holidays from movies to ballet. From the movies we have “Miracle on 34th Street,” “How the Grinch Stole Christmas,” “It’s a Wonderful Life,” “A Christmas Carol,” “Christmas Vacation,” “The Bishop’s Wife,” and others. For a taste of the classical there are “The Nutcracker” and Handel’s “Messiah.”
I love all of the traditional classics, but one of my favorites is “Tuna Christmas.” You haven’t heard of it? Well, it may be more of a Texas classic. It is a play set in the fictional town of Tuna, Texas. Jaston Williams and Joe Sears play all of the unforgettable characters by amazing quick costume changes that transform them from a variety of male to female characters and back again over and over. The two have been performing their plays together for over thirty years. “Tuna Christmas” is one of a series of hilariously funny plays set in this small Texas town. The other plays are “Greater Tuna,” “Red, White and Tuna,” and “Tuna Does Las Vegas.”
Wikipedia describes them this way. “The plays are at once an affectionate comment on small-town, Southern life and attitudes but also a withering satire of same.”
You don’t have to be from a small Texas town to enjoy it, but it helps! If you need a break from the serious insanity of the holidays, consider seeing this one. You will never forget Aunt Pearl and Vera! Here is a sample interview with Joe Sears and Jaston Williams.
“A Tuna Christmas” will be performed at the Paramount Theatre in Austin November 23, 25, 26 and 27. Then it will be at The Grand 1894 Opera House in Galveston from December 13 through December 23. Enjoy your old favorites or find a new one this year. MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Los Angeles Freelance Writer • Comedian • Photographer •
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